Sometimes when confronted, we act out with no thought of the bigger picture.
We say and do things that we later regret.
It is our reaction, (no matter how negative it is) is what the Alienator wants, your attention. What is the added bonus for them during you tirade? You have just also given them the control.
Scenario Number 1
The Alienator, will stand there and watch arms crossed smugly grinning, looking around to make sure your kids are seeing you “flip out.” Although, it may be justified it “looks bad.”
Then the Alienator will do more, they will walk inside and tell your children,
“Hey, kids! Did you see what your mom/dad just did? He/she is crazy . Good thing you have a reasonable parent and you don’t have to deal with that…..”
RESULT: Your one act of letting off steam has now perpetuated more of what was wrong in the first place. All their wrong doing has paid off for them in that brief moment. The Parent Alienator will see it as “winning” and that they have “broken” you.
Don’t fall for it. Your better than that.
Scenario Number 2
You have driven miles and you are tired. The Alienator made the time very inconvenient for you, intentionally.
Two of the children are not home the youngest is winding down for the night and not very responsive because they are tired too
The stage is set for you to “lose it.”
Right now your blood is boiling, your heart is racing, take a deep breath and maybe return to the car and say you forgot your phone. Give yourself a minute to formulate a plan.
You ask to go inside to say good night, maybe a bedtime story, make yourself and your child that is in front of you feel loved and comfortable expect nothing from your child or the situation, just “be” with them and settle in and try to get as comfortable as you can for your child, even with the change of circumstances, so that nothing the alienator does can make it bad.
Ignore the “buttons” they are pushing that usually set you off.
Focus solely on the act of making the best of an unfavorable situation with your child. Text the other children that you were sorry you missed them and that you love them and they can call you anytime if they feel like it and if not you will be back again soon.
Stick to your convictions and what you say to your children and back it up with your actions.
Perspective Goes FAR:
The harder you push through water the more water will push back. Boats are designed to glide through the water using the resistance below them to support them.
You be the boat floating, long and narrow designed not to resist but glide, cutting through the water with little resistance.
I have some distance from the Parent Alienator experience now, partially because my step-daughter I have yet to meet, and I was not present for my husband’s meltdown after the “kidnapping.” happened.
When your in the trenches our instinct is to lash out and go in to “survival mode,” but here is the thing of it……
The day you walked away from that person, you decided to rise above the nonsense in your life, don’t sink back to their level.
Walking away also meant you became the enemy and the Parent Alienator wanted “revenge.”
Don’t enable the behavior, treat them like a child, but respectful, because in essence, they are throwing a tantrum wanting whatever attention they can get, regardless of the consequences.
Pick your battles and your days, be thought out and planned.